A Mother's Lenten Resolution

Posted by Ginger


As soon as I made my Lenten resolution, written down in my Journal (for anyone to see…Oh boy!) – it became hard.

In short, my Lenten resolution was to enjoy my children.  To take delight.  To receive them as the blessings that they are from God. I even told my older kids that I would stop reacting and make my voice more loving.  So every time I heard the words “Mom”…I would smile.  So that’s what I told my kids and husband…but when the whining became HIGH pitched and the word Mom was repeated for the 10,000th time, I realized that I had to do more than just smile and white knuckle it.  I had to pray. 

I realize that my external actions can be one thing and the heart something else entirely.  I wanted them to be aligned.  So that my actions reflected my heart.  So the question that kept playing over and over in my head was: Do I see my children as small harassing creatures with endless needs, sent to bug me to death? Or do I see them as blessings from God as I did on the first day I held them in my arms?

I wanted to answer yes to the second question, but I was feeling closer to the first.  My answer became dependant on what kind of day I was having.  Or whether or not I slept the night before.  I feel like since the beginning of Lent I have had nothing but sleepless nights.  Sleepless and crying baby, the stomach flu and bedwetting – all in the middle of the nights.  Piles of sheets and comforters lined my hallways.  And I seemed to always trip over them as I stumbled from one crying kid’s room to another.  The nights were so long and I truly wondered if one could die from sleep deprivation!! 

All that being said…how was I too live up to my Lenten resolution?  All that was meant to be a blessing through out each day…was nothing but a bother.  I walked through the day as if every nerve in my body was the last nerve.  Why? Why are moments in motherhood so hopeless sometimes?  Why did I feel like such a failure when I so badly wanted to succeed?  Was my Lenten resolution a joke?

Then why wasn’t I laughing?  The answers came on a day when I least expected it. 

As the night became daylight – as I got out of bed I knew I had a full day ahead with a stretch of sleepless nights behind me.  How was I to do it, Lord?  So I sat at the edge of my bed and I tried to pray. 

I mumbled through a few words and then I heard “MOM!!!”

I felt empty.  What was there left for me to give?

The day was before me and I trudged my way through one tantrum after another.  I got my two oldest ones to school – and that was certainly not without several power struggles.

As I was pulling away from the school, I told myself that it was not a day for errands, my “To do” lists or agendas. 

Let’s go home.

The crying tantrum continued in the back of the minivan.  I think we were in our third hour of my four year old’s screaming.  As we got out of the van and back into our house – quick quick, before the neighbors start to wonder.  Quick Quick, before I lose it.  Quick quick – try and smile, we’re home.  And as we walked through that door, I breathed a sigh of relief. 

I remember a wise friend saying to me once, “When they are the least huggable is when they need the hug the most.”

So I sat and hugged my son. With all that screaming going on – the baby was now awake.  There goes my break, one that I needed so badly.  And now I felt like crying myself.  But I just remained still and in place, with my arms around Charlie. 

And that is when my answer from God was clear.  In those moments, I picture God hugging me.  Loving me just as I am.  Not because I was so good that day and did all that He asked of me.  And it wasn’t because I was so sweet and loving during this tantrum because God knows, that without His grace I probably would have strangled him.  Then within a few minutes - all was calm.  Home was where we were meant to be.

And God was with us.

Deep down, as mothers we don’t want to be annoyed with our children nor do we want to annoy them.  They are blessings not bothers.  In this moment I learned, that God hears our cries even in the chaos.  “Help me”, “Have mercy on me” is a delight to His ears.  He not only hears but He responds. 

In the chaos, He whispers, “I am with You.”

And in the calm, I feel His love. 

The hug. 

And when we believe, we have hope.

Help us. O Lord, to be servants of Thy Grace.

In Jesus’ name we pray.

Amen

Original artwork by Ginger