15 Years

Posted by Molly

My mother died on September 16, 1997.  At that moment in time I could not imagine how I would ever get through it.  I honestly felt as though I would never ever be happy again and when I did feel happy I felt guilty for it.  I went through all the stages of grief in an almost violent way - especially anger and depression.  Losing my mom made me want to punch someone and then immediately curl up in a little ball and cry.  It was excruciating and if I let myself really think about it I still cry.  Understatement.  I still sob.  Uncontrollably.  Without hope.  And then I remember that the crying is not going to bring her back.  It's probably just going to make her feel bad as she watches over me from heaven and I don't want that. 


What I want is to give my children all the love that they're missing from the woman who would have been the single most awesome grandmother ever.  And I'm able to get out of bed and face the world and be the loving person I want to be because of the strength I get from my faith.  My mother said to me time and time again as a child "your faith will get your through your most difficult moments" and she was right.  It was my faith, in particular my belief that she was in heaven, that got me through those awful days 15 years ago.  Every year on the anniversary of her death I look for a sign that God is with me or that she is watching over me.  I don't always get it but I keep looking and I keep believing it will come.  This year it did.

Sunday will mark the anniversary of the saddest day in my life.  I will spend the day with my family and my best friend and my mom's best friend in the town where I grew up.  Normally, I would have so much anxiety about this because I'm pretty emotional and I hate risking crying in front of my kids.  They don't need to see that.  They think I'm a lot stronger than I am and I'd like to keep it that way.  This year, though, I won't be sad because the day after the anniversary is the first day I'll be teaching the special needs religious education class.  And the thought of that makes me brim over with joy because this class is going to be awesome.  My mother would be so excited about the class if she was here.  She'd be making crafts and trying to help.  I know that my involvement in this ministry is giving her joy and that makes it even sweeter for me.  How lucky am I to be able to concentrate on something beautiful this weekend instead of something sorrowful?  It seems like a happy coincidence but as my friend Ginger says "there are no coincidences where God is concerned".  God knew I'd be looking for a sign and I got one.  I am so thankful.

Please pray for my mother on Sunday and for my class on Monday.  And remember on the days when you feel your own personal sadness that you are not alone.  And you will get through it.  Fifteen years later I have no doubt that our faith will carry us through anything and the sun will shine again.