40 Days of Self Reflection

Posted by Molly

With Ash Wednesday coming this week, I find myself struggling with what to give up during lent this year. My go-to Lenten sacrifice is usually something like chips or alcohol, but I've been on a health kick for a few weeks now, so I've already kind of given up everything bad that I enjoy eating or drinking! I could give up TV but I'd just end up dvr-ing all my shows and watching them after Easter. That's the thing about a Lenten sacrifice. It's great for the 40 days but then I usually fall right back into the same bad habits once it's over.

So this year instead of giving up something, I'm going to make some changes in myself that will hopefully stick. Sort of like when you want to lose weight they say instead of a fad diet, you should try to make lifestyle changes. I am going to use lent to look inside myself and try to make some changes that will help me be a better person and therefore bring me closer to God.

What are these changes?
I am not sure yet.
I try pretty hard already to be a good person. It does not always come natural to me but I really do try. However, like everyone, I have my faults and my weaknesses.

I try not to hold grudges and it is something I have gotten a lot better at but there are some grudges that I can't let go of. Like that woman I wrote about last year who hurt my dad. I still cannot find it in my heart to forgive her. I want to but I am weak and angry and fiercely protective of my father.

I try to be patient and non-judgemental but I lose my temper and sometimes I judge others.

I try to be unselfish but some days I pity myself because I'm tired or I didn't get my way and then I feel guilty about pitying myself because I know I have a really blessed life and then I waste I lot of time on the guilt. It's a vicious cycle.

I love God and I never question his existence but sometimes I question parts of my faith. And then I feel guilty about that and it makes me feel very small. I often wish I had someone to talk to about my questions but I want that person to completely agree with me which is so obnoxious. I think I must be pretty self involved to have to be right all the time so that is something I need to work on, too.

When you unflinchingly look inside yourself you find all sorts of things you need to work on.
So that's what I'll be doing this lent. Devoting the 40 days to finding ways to fix my flaws and be a better Catholic and a better person. I'm sure come Easter I still won't be close to perfect but at least I'll be trying and as I tell my children that's all God or anyone can ask of us.

PS. In case you were wondering, Mac is giving up his DS (handheld video game) for lent and Charlie is going to "try to hug more people" so if you need a hug look for us during lent and you can get one from someone extra cute!